Grief is Real. Overcoming Faith is Real.

Nathan, my oldest, graduated from high school this May.  To say I am proud of him is an under statement!  He is a hard worker, he is determined and he’s genuine, compassionate and gracious.  He is probably the most chill person I know.  He is always been a talker!  Full of words beyond his years.  He is a dreamer and a planner. He never meets a stranger and is always ready to lend a helping hand.  He is faithful and trustworthy.  He is so very witty and keeps us laughing.  He gives great hugs!  And most importantly, he loves Jesus and is committed to follow God’s call on his life.   Being his mom and watching him grow into the man he is becoming today has been and continues to be one of the greatest joys of my life!

The time for senior portraits had come. For months I knew this portrait day was coming.  On the outside I knew and prepared.  I contacted a photographer, and I scheduled the day.  Just another senior year thing to do.  But, for me, somewhere locked away in a place I hoped I would not have to face, was this reality that I would not be able to look at and see those portraits.  You see, for a few years now I’ve realized that I’ve lost my ability to see faces and especially portraits.  There was a time when I could put them on my laptop and zoom in, but now not even zoom makes them visible.  And it’s these senior year portraits that are making me face the reality that even more of my sight is gone.

I have faced disappointment and loss due to the deterioration of my sight.  Losing the ability to read a book, drive a car or make eye contact with my husband have been a few of the hardest losses.  With each loss I have allowed myself a little pity party, I have sucked it up and moved forward.  The reality is that I have got to keep moving forward and I cannot stay in a place of pity and sadness.  It’s definitely not fair and I will always long for the day when the miraculous happens and my sight will be restored.  But, until then, I have to find provision along the way.

I am not going to lie and say I am getting through this with no problem.  It’s been hard and the grief comes in waves.  Even now as I write, the tears keep coming.  Just when I feel I’m past the hard truth of it, it hits me all again.  I won’t ever be able to look back on my babies’ pictures and see their cute, chubby cheek, little baby faces.  All I have are my own memories and just being real, it sucks, it is hard, it is not fair, it is sad, and I want to see!

How do I cope with this loss and how will I get passed the heartbreak? First, I am just going to allow myself to grieve.  I am going to cry a little or maybe even a lot.  I am not going to try and hide the hurt and sadness I am feeling.   I am going to share my heart break with my close friends and family.  It is their love and support that will help me push past this initial grief.  I need them.

In time, I am going to move past this hard part.  I will never get over losing my sight and all it keeps from me, but I will learn to live in spite of the loss.  There is so much more to life than what my physical eyes can see.  I will hold on a little longer to those hugs.  I will slow down a little and take in each spoken word. I will welcome the healing that will come by just being with my family and friends.   I am not supposed to get by on my own.  I need my family and friends to get through the hard stuff. 

I am not going to allow myself to camp out here, in a place of loss. I am not going to just focus on what I cannot see. Sure, there is a reality to it all, but my life is full of so much more than just what my physical eyes might see. There is great blessing all around me. I know that “weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning!”

No matter what this new season of life holds for us, no matter how Nathan’s senior year will continue. I will be confident in the Truth that Gods plan for him are still YES and Amen! They are good plans full of hope! And there is no limit to what he can do.

I will continue to be confident in the sovereignty of God. I will stand firm on the TRUTH that healing is His will for my life. And even though I can’t see it, even though I may not understand it, I will continue to trust His plan. And until my sight is restored, I will continue to celebrate all His many blessings and provisions along the way.

My faith is strong, and I will continue to trust in Christ. My faith does not change because life is hard. It does not change because I have to walk through loss. My faith does not change because healing has not yet come. It does not change because I cannot see what and when I want or think I should. My faith remains in Christ, the sovereign one. My faith reveals the reality of what I hope for and it is the evidence of what I cannot see! (Hebrews 11:1)